What to Do After Discovering an Affair: A Personal Story

When he told me about the affair, my world didn’t crack.

It collapsed beneath me.

In real time.

The room felt different. My body felt different.

My mind started racing ahead of itself, trying to grab hold of something that would make it make sense.

The sounds that arose from deep within my body were familiar, similar to the ones that poured out of me during each of my home births while in transition.

Primal. Uncensored. Guttural. Unleashed.

But this time the sounds carried something different.

These were soaked in grief. Heavy with sadness. I was a mess.

Over the next few days, sleep came in scattered pieces.

My thoughts looped. Questions circled. Nothing landed anywhere solid.

Life moved forward around me, but I was on autopilot.It was as if I was in a trance. Some days I felt strong for an hour… and then I’d fall apart again.

Nothing felt real as I went through the motions of life, and crying at the drop of a hat became my new normal.

I don’t know about you, but when he confessed his affair, I began questioning everything about me, about our life, about our marriage.

Everything I thought I knew about my life suddenly felt uncertain.

I was desperately seeking clarity inside the chaos and upheaval. I had lost my footing and was trying to find a steady foundation. I was confused, to say the least.

I began receiving taps on the shoulder to reach out to certain people, even though he told me not to tell anyone (which I initially agreed to, but it soon became crystal clear that keeping this bombshell to myself was not healthy, nor was it in my best interest).

One of those nudges led me to reach out to a woman I had met one month earlier at a birthday party where my eldest son was performing.

I had done some research out of curiosity after meeting her (she is a mind/body coach), and I thought I had remembered seeing something about her ex having an affair.

So, I reached out on Facebook, uncertain of what to expect. All I knew was that I was being guided to do it.I heard back from her within several hours.

My heart was pounding as we chatted on a call for about 30 minutes.

She asked some very poignant questions and then invited me to consider joining her next 90-Day Mind/Body Challenge.

Even though I was shaking. Even though I had no idea how I would come up with the funds. Even though I was scared. Even though, even though, even though…I said YES.

That call led to a 90-day program.

I didn’t join because I had decided to stay.

I didn’t join because I had decided to leave.

I joined because I knew one thing:

If I didn’t stabilize myself, every decision I made would come from a place of shock, grief, and sadness.

So I went all-in.

weekly calls

daily homework

layers and layers of questions

reading

studying

strengthening & nourishing my body

Looking honestly at

my fears

my patterns

my habits

my blind spots

Some days it felt like progress; other days, it felt like I was digging through emotional rubble.

But slowly, something began to shift.

My breathing slowed.

My thinking cleared.

My zest for life was returning.

The panic that had been running the show started to loosen its grip.

I stopped trying to manage him and started strengthening me.

That 90-Day challenge didn’t fix my marriage; it fixed my foundation & footing.

And when your footing comes back, something important happens:

You stop chasing clarity and comfort from the person who chose to go outside of your marriage, fuck another woman, and break their vows.

You begin building your own.

My beautiful friend…

Remember:

You are not alone in this.

It is possible and imperative to heal and rise from the ashes of adultery, whether you ultimately walk away or choose to stay.

And when anxiety or worry starts to rise, this simple practice below can help bring you back to center. It has helped me many times.

1-Take a slow breath in through your nose.

2-Hold it for about ten seconds.

3-Then gently release it through your mouth.

Repeat this three times.

Sometimes the smallest pauses make the biggest difference.

And if today feels especially heavy, know that someone out here understands.

Until next time,

Sue Reese Finlay Author, Coach

Next time, I’ll share the question my mentor asked me that, unbeknownst to me, would ultimately change everything.

I help women rise from the ashes of adultery - one breath, one choice, and one step at a time.

For the Road Ahead

If today’s message stirred something in you, these resources may help as you keep moving forward.

P.S. When my world fell apart, I searched for voices that understood what I was walking through. I hope these newsletters and resources feel like someone walking beside you.

If You’d Like More Support

My next small group begins in May.

This is where we do this work together — weekly calls, daily check-ins, and the kind of layered questions that slowly bring your clarity back online again.

If that feels like something you might want to explore, you’re welcome to email me at author.sereese@gmail.com with the subject line Waiting List, and I’ll add your name and keep you in the loop as things take shape.

There’s no pressure—just a place to begin if and when you feel ready.

And if all you need right now is a place to land, you’re always welcome to reply and share how you’re doing.

Because I remember exactly what that place feels like. And no woman should have to rebuild her life in silence.